Childhood Depression and Living with a Mentally Ill Parent

This post is about what it’s like for a child who lives with a mentally ill parent and how that stress can affect childhood depression.  Again I’ll use myself as an example. 

The stress and strain of living with a mentally ill parent is often too much for a child to handle especially if the child is the mentally ill parent’s main support and care taker.  The child may have to take on many adult responsibilities.  A child may have to help a parent shop, make decisions, pay bills, bathe, make sure they are taking their meds and help the parent tell the doctors how they are doing and what problems the parent is having. 

When a parent has to lean on their child so much it can cause a child to be angry and resentful toward their parent especially if the parent is unable to behave like a normal adult.  That anger and resentment often leads to more guilt and more shame.  Guilt and shame are often pervasive in childhood depression.  My mom’s mental illness caused my own childhood depression to increase exponentially.   

A child who has to take care of a mentally ill parent may also have more issues with separation anxiety.  A child may be afraid to leave their parent home alone, always wondering, “What is she doing? Is she OK? Is she trying to cook by herself? I hope she doesn’t cause a fire? Would she know what to do if something bad happens?”  These thoughts can run through a child’s mind constantly.  I was always afraid of what might happen to my mom if I wasn’t with her.  Her mental illness caused a terrible strain on me.          

I remember being glad when my mom came home from a psych hospital but I had no idea how her personality had changed.  She became childish and frustrating.  It was like our roles had reversed.  Mom became selfish at times.  She could be unreasonable.  I sometimes had to tell her, no she could not do something or she could not have something she didn’t need and we couldn’t afford.  At times my mom was like a spoiled child, wanting her way.  It was like she didn’t know how an adult was supposed to act.

I didn’t know how to deal with it all.  I kept all my pain inside.  I was so angry, frustrated, and embarrassed by mom’s behavior.  I missed the way things had been before she got sick, when she was a normal mom.  I was so ashamed of myself.  My anger, frustration and pain were wearing me down.  I couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t eat and I cried every night.  At times it was unbearable. 

Life is very lonely and difficult for a child who has to take care of a mentally ill parent.  I loved my mom with all my heart but it was such a struggle trying to take care of her.  Many children have felt the same kind of inner struggle that I did, that combination of love and anger and resentment is overwhelming for a child. 

If you know a child who has a mentally ill parent, do what you can to get the child some help.  It’s a good idea for anyone who lives with a mentally ill person to have therapy themselves so they can learn how to deal with the stress in their lives but children need the help of a therapist even more so.  Children need someone to help them cope with all of their confusing, conflicting emotions and to help them come to terms with and accept a parent’s mental illness.  Acceptance helps us look past the anger and see the love.