Overly Strict Parenting and Childhood Depression

This post will be about how overly strict, punitive parenting can cause a child to have many issues and how it can contribute to childhood depression.   

The problem with overly strict parenting is they use punishment instead of consequences.  Overly strict parents tend to make very strict rules that they expect their children to follow all of the time without question and if the child misbehaves the child is often punished too harshly. 

Overly strict parents rarely give any reasons for the rules.  They don’t explain why something is wrong or why the child shouldn’t do something.  They often say, “Because I said so”.  Every child has heard, because I said so, at least once but overly strict parents seem to say it all the time. 

Overly strict parents provide for their child’s basic needs but tend to be emotionally distant and show little warmth or affection.  They may not provide the unconditional love and nurturing their children need. 

Without love, warmth, affection, praise and kindness a child can feel unloved, lonely, like he’s bad and they often feel very sad.  They can feel hopeless because there is nothing they can do to stop their parent’s strict rules. 

These children can have poor coping skills and may need a lot of therapy.  They tend to be very unhappy.  They may feel like there is no one there for them to talk too, to help them, to listen to them or care about them.  Sometimes the only positive person in a child’s life is their therapist. 

These children may learn to keep all their emotions inside, stuffing them deep down, trying to hide them.  Hiding sadness and pain only makes them worse.  These children can often feel an underlying resentment and anger which could eventually come out as aggression but usually not toward their parent. 

Children of overly strict parents may have trouble making decisions because they’re rarely given any choices.  Children need choices so they can learn to weigh their options and decide which is best, to learn how to make decisions. 

These children can also have trouble developing age appropriate problem solving skills.  Since they are constantly told what to do, they aren’t allowed to figure things out on their own.  They aren’t encouraged to explore their world, learn new things or how to take safe risks with a parent’s loving and nurturing guidance. 

These children can feel fearful of the world, anxious and shy.  They can become overly dependent and may not develop self-discipline because they are constantly told what to do and are rarely allowed to overcome obstacles or challenges on their own. 

Children of overly strict parents can have very low self-esteem, thinking they can’t do anything right or thinking everything they do is bad.  They can have very poor social skills because they may never be taught how to act in social situations or how to interact with others.  They may not even be allowed to interact with others. 

When the child is interacting with others, he may feel uneasy and unsure of himself.  He may be afraid of doing or saying something wrong, stupid or bad.  He may have little self-confidence and may think he’s not good enough. 

Children of overly strict parents tend to be obedient, they follow the rules and may do well in school but they may feel if they don’t succeed or do what they are told their parents won’t accept them or love them.  Every child wants to be loved.  These children may seem to do well but they may not feel any happiness, joy or hope in their success. 

All the things I just wrote about can contribute along with other factors to depression and anxiety.  These children may be more likely to internalize their depression and hide their pain which only makes them worse but with therapy there is hope.    

In my next post I will talk about how the worst parenting type of all and how it can affect childhood depression.                                      

Childhood Depression and Overly Permissive Parenting

A quick post on overly permissive parenting.  Some parents care more about being their child’s friend than being a parent but that’s a bad idea.  Friends let kids get away with things that can affect a child in negative ways like allowing children to watch TV, play video games or use the computer whenever they want for as long as they want instead of doing homework or studying, causing problems at school.    

Children of overly permissive parents are more likely to talk back to their parents and other adults including teachers.  These children would rather do what they want and not what they are supposed to do.  This contributes to more problems at school.   

Parents who are overly permissive tend to set few limits and boundaries.  Children need limits and boundaries in order to feel secure and safe and in order for them to learn what’s OK and not OK.  Children need to be taught right from wrong.  Also without limits and boundaries children can’t learn appropriate social skills like sharing and they may not care what other children want to do or play. 

These children can be very selfish and demanding, wanting their way all the time.  They have little self-control over themselves and their emotions.  They usually don’t know how to deal with their emotions when they get upset and they tend to be more emotionally reactive and less able to understand or control their emotions. 

Overly permissive parents often place few demands or expectations on their children.  Without demands and expectations; a child can’t learn, grow and mature.  They won’t be challenged to do better at school, at home or in life.  They’ll only do what they need to in order to get by. 

These children can’t achieve their true potential.  They lack self-discipline.  They tend to do poorly in school and make poor grades.  The problem is that they don’t know how to do well or make good grades or control themselves because their parents haven’t taught them how to work hard or how to set and achieve academic or emotional goals.    

Overly permissive parents tend to have few rules and the rules they do have are very inconsistent.  This can also cause a lot of problems in school.  Children get into trouble because they aren’t used to following rules.  They do what they want and not what the teachers says. 

These children often have problems with teachers because they enforce the rules.  They may think they are being picked on by the teachers.  This can cause a lot of anger and self-pity and sadness.  Children of permissive parents may have a lot of issues with authority and authority figures.    

The big problem with permissive parents is they don’t discipline their children.  They only intervene when things get serious.  One of the best treatments for childhood behavior problems is parent training because many permissive parents don’t know how to discipline their children.  Instead they tend to bribe their children with candy or toys to get them to behave.  This can teach a child if they misbehave they’ll get a treat which is the opposite of what you want to teach them.  Children need to learn to be good because it is the right thing to do not because they’ll get something.    

Children need consistent rules, discipline and consequences so they can learn right from wrong and why things are wrong, so they can learn appropriate behavior and so they can learn if they do something wrong, they will be punished for it.  Most teachers, school officials and police aren’t going to let a child get away with bad behavior.

Children of overly permissive parents often have low self-esteem and tend to be very unhappy.  They are more likely to engage in underage drinking, drug use or other risky behaviors.  These children are also at a greater risk of developing depression because they don’t know how to deal with their own insecurities and unhappiness.  These children may be more likely to externalize their depression.  It can come out as anger, irritability, hopelessness and behavior problems.   

Many types of parenting can contribute to children’s issues like depression and anxiety.  I’ll talk about overly strict parenting next time.