What a Depressed Child Thinks and Feels Part 2

Childhood depression causes a pain and torment that is hard to explain.  It can shatter a child's resolve and leave her hopeless and afraid of her terrible thoughts and the feelings those thoughts bring.  I will share the terrible thoughts and feelings of my childhood that made me pray for death. 

As a depressed child gets older what they think and feel can change and evolve.  In my last post I said that my automatic negative thoughts changed some as I got older.  What I thought when I was 5 or 8 was different than what I thought at 10 or 12 or 15.  I was depressed for a really long time. 

 

When I got a little older my thoughts sent me into a hell of misery and hate.  It was a hell I couldn’t escape.  Like many depressed children I was constantly thinking, “I’m ugly, weak and pathetic. There is nothing good about me. There will never be anything good about me. The world is cold and unfeeling. The world hates me and I hate myself for being me. I will be old and alone for the rest of my life. I am nothing”.  I truly thought I was nothing.

 

I felt the same as many depressed children; like I didn’t matter, my life didn’t matter, nothing mattered.  I wished I had never been born and there were a few times when I tried to correct the mistake of my birth but I’ll talk more about childhood suicide next time.    

 

Often times people including children with depression say, “I feel empty”, but that’s not accurate.  When you’re depressed you want to feel empty but you can’t.  You are so full of negative emotions all you do is feel.  The problem is you can’t stop feeling; feeling the sadness of despair and hopelessness, the pain of loneliness and shame, the desperation of fear and anxiety, and the anger of hurt and guilt.  Children often feel guilt and shame, especially if they have been abused or raped like I was.  Those feelings never leave you and they are hard to control.    

 

When you are a depressed child you are overflowing with emotions you can’t control.  You’re not empty, you’re never empty, you just can’t see yourself and the world as it really is.  I saw an ugly world so full of hurt I couldn’t see anything else.  The ugliness of my world made me feel like I had no value, no purpose, no meaning.  There was no reason for my life, no reason for me.  Many children who suffer from depression feel the same way.    

 

Like them, I wanted my life to matter.  I wanted a reason to live.  I wanted to know happiness.  I wanted so many things but I was too young to understand what was wrong with me.  I understand now but it took me a long time.  It took a lot of therapy, 4 years of undergraduate psychology courses and 2 years of graduate clinical psychology courses. 

 

Now I hope to help others learn about childhood depression so they can finally see the children who are lost in the darkness of despair.  I want those children to get the help they so desperately need and to help them find the light that is hiding deep within them, the light all children have, the happiness and hope all children deserve.       

 

How can a parent help their child understand that it's OK to feel bad or sad? 

I welcome any comments.  I just ask that you be respectful.  My next few posts will be some of the most difficult posts.  They’ll be about examples of childhood suicide attempts.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read this blog.