Childhood Suicide Part 1

If you are concerned that your child may be suicidal take him or her to a hospital so they can be assessed immediately.  Childhood suicide is difficult to talk about because it is a painful subject but also because there are people who think it doesn’t exist. 

Some people think children aren’t old enough to understand death and what it means.  I disagree.  I was 8 years old the first time I tried to kill myself.  I knew enough about death to understand it was the only way to stop my pain. 

Some people also think if a child tries to kill himself, he is doing it for attention.  That’s not accurate.  Research has shown children kill themselves and try to kill themselves for the same reasons adults do.  They can no longer stand the pain and suffering of their depression.  They want to get out of a terrible situation and they see no other way out and because they are hopeless. 

Hopelessness can be a good indicator that a child or anyone may be at least thinking about suicide. 

The thing about childhood suicide attempts is that what a child thinks will kill them may not match the reality of what can actually kill them.  My first suicide attempt is an example of that.

When I was 8 years old I was raped by a 15-year-old cousin.  I was already suffering from depression but the rape pushed me over the edge.  The next day I went to my neighbor’s house and lay across the middle of their driveway. 

I wasn’t allowed on the driveway.  My mom kept telling me every day to stay away from the driveway because I’d get run over and die.  I wanted to die.  It was the only way to stop the pain.  I couldn’t stand it anymore.  Pain was all I had left.  I felt like all the good in me had gone and would never come back.  I couldn’t stand myself.  I couldn’t stand my suffering.  I wanted to stop feeling anything.        

I wanted a car to run over me so I would die then I wouldn’t have to think about what my abusers and my rapist had done to me, I wouldn’t have to be afraid they’d do it again and I wouldn’t have to feel the guilt and shame because it was my fault but my plan didn’t work.  I didn’t know how to make it work.

I went back inside my house and thought about drinking some bleach but I couldn’t reach it.  Then I looked under the kitchen sink.  I knew vinegar wouldn’t kill me.  Mom walked in on me as I was looking for a knife.  She asked me what I was doing.  I told her I was getting a knife for a peanut butter sandwich.  Mom stayed in the kitchen, cooking.  I walked past her.  She asked about my sandwich.  I told her I changed my mind. 

Then I went to my room and cried.  That was the first time I wanted to die in order to stop the pain but it wasn’t the last. 

If you notice or think that a child has symptoms of childhood depression and you notice the child is acting odd or is looking for something they know is dangerous, take action.  Ask them what they are doing.  They may say “Nothing” but keep talking to them and don’t be afraid to ask if they are trying to hurt or kill themselves.

My next post will be about the childhood suicide attempt of a little boy I worked with.